i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
