I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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