I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize