The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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