Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
