i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
