I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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