You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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