Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
