This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
