she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
