And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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