I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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