Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
