well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize