So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I love how my cats smell like pot.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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