I forgot how hot balto sounded
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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