mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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