You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
