I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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