I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
