Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
