We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This toilet bowl is my home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
