You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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