Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
