mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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