Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
