I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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