Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
