This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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