sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
