Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
