I wish life had little blips of pornography
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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