you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
