i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
