it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
