I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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