Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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