nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we should paint friendship bongs
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