Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
