I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
