Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
