i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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