why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
