Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
