first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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