Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I looked at my own cervix.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
