Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
