clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize