She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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