She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
