I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
