i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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