im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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