I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
