At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
