I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
