Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize