Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
