you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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