I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
