apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
